Heard some of your wallets might be feeling a bit down lately?
Here are some fun quips you might want to pass over to help ’em perk back up a little 😉
Helps with mine every time
Did you hear about the man who swallowed a coin?
There’s no change yet.
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him my door is always open.
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.75, deer nuts are under a buck.
I’ve never understood the concept of the gift certificate…
For the same 50 bucks, my friend could’ve gotten me 50 bucks.
I got gas for $1.09 today.
Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
A girl asks her mother “How old are you?”
Her mother replied “Older than most mortgages!”
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money…
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches!
College is the opposite of kidnapping.
They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back!
I remember being in so much debt that I couldn’t afford my electricity bills.
It was a dark time.
An FBI agent was interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit:
“Did you notice anything special about the man?” asks the agent.
“Yes,” replied the teller. “He was better dressed each time.”
A one dollar bill met up with a twenty dollar bill and asked “Hey, where have you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”
The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, headed back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of basketball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”
The one dollar bill sighed, “You know, same old stuff … church, church, church.”
One day at a local café, a woman suddenly called out, “My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!”
Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped his arms around her and squeezed. Out popped the nickel.
The man returned to his table as if nothing had happened.
“Thank you!” the mother cried. “Tell me, are you a doctor?”
“No,” the man replied. “I work for the IRS.”
A teenager lost his contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway, and after a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.
“How did you do that?” he asked. “We weren’t looking for the same thing,” she explained. “You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150.”
Lying on his deathbed, a rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. “I want to take all my money with me,” he tells her. “So promise me you’ll put it in the casket.”
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside. Her friend looks at her in horror.
“Surely,” she says, “you didn’t put the money in there?” “I did promise him I would,” the widow answers. “So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”
Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”
Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”
Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.”
A friend and I were eating at one of the trendier restaurants in town when my friend pointed to the menu and told the waitress, “I’ll have the 24.”
“Uh, John,” I whispered, “that’s the price, not the meal number.”
“Oh,” he said. “Then give me the 12.”
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot.
He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”
“Don’t worry,” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”
If those didn’t do the trick…
- Money Jokes For All!
- More money jokes for impressing people…
- You Will Read These Money Jokes AND LIKE THEM!
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